Men In Funny Hats

Why Doesn't Great Britan's Police Force Make the Chicks Wear Stupid Helmets Too?

Now, those of you who know me in the flesh know that I'm not a fashion critic. I'm often caught out in public with second-day stubble, BDU pants, and a T-Shirt that says "I Am What I Eat - Fast, Cheap & Easy!". I shop at places like Wal-Mart, Target, and surplus stores, I prefer functionality over style... at least usually, anyway. I often comment that the only problem I'd have with a nudist lifestyle is my skinny ass being cold and a tragic lack of "nasty little pocketses, my love."

But RIDDLE ME THIS: what the fuck is up with the Bobby Headgear?

Ever since 9/11, we've had a fashion-show of security personnel from around the world on our front pages: US soldiers and police in tactical black and sunglasses, carrying nasty-looking M-4 carbine variants with all the out-jutting grenade launchers and sights and bipods... Her Majesty's Royal Marines with their neat bullpup-style weapons that make them feel cooler than the Americans... but use the same magazines... Not to mention the Popetastic Swiss Guard in the ugliest outfits supposedly designed by a famous artist with a grudge, toting the ubiquitous Heckler and Koch (said Heck-ler and "COKE", not "COCK", for you non-Germanics out there) MP-5 submachine guns. If I didn't know that there was a war on terrorism going on, I'd think that it was a fantastic back-door advertising campaign for the gun and security lobby. I mean, how better (or cheaper) to get your product recognized by everybody who can read than by splashing photos of 'em on the front pages usually reserved for the likes of G. Dubya Shrub, famously of the "nuc-u-lar" pronunciation?

Seriously, though: those Bobby (British cops are called "Bobbies" after the founder of their police force, Robert Peel) Helmets stand high enough off the top of their skulls that you could hide a cluster-fuck of flash-bangs in there without discomfort at tea time. Drill a couple of air holes in it, and my hamster could use it as a mobile home. Do they have air-conditioning inside of them for when their cop-brains think too hard? Maybe a doughnut holder for more efficiency, less stops at Dunkin Donuts? Or are the male Bobbies a secret invading army of Coneheads?

For their part, the FEMALE Bobbie's bowler-style hats look something like Slappy the Squirrel from Animaniacs, minus the flower hanging out. I expect them to reach in their purses and whip out a blackjack to clobber the crap out of people oh-so politely when they say something stupid. However much their headgear suggests Squirrelly Wrath, I cannot think of a nice reason why the Brits would differentiate the uniforms based on sex alone (discounting functional differences in uniform tailoring to account for "Bobby boobies" and other secondary sex characteristics), as the photo above suggests. There IS a particular NOT SO NICE REASON that mischievously springs to mind, despite all the pretty British television and movie stars I've seen:

Maybe that's the only way that the Brits can tell their male and female cops apart?